Can we make it stop?

My step mom is sick...she has cancer...brain and lungs. She had brain surgery 5 weeks ago where they removed 3 golf size tumors...but they have found 4 more small ones. She is different...she is usually the person that never stops talking...she is the life of the party. But this trip she isn't like that. She is quiet and subdued...telling me things once and then again an hour later. She cant find the right words and mixes up things like month and days...she will say that the she dog sat for months when she really meant days. She will say years when she means months. This is just a little example of how things have changed. It scares the shit out of me...and makes me sad. I am dealing with it the best way I know how. But I wish I could fix it all...cause I hate to see my dad in the situation let alone Mary. I just wish I could flick my nose and let things be known and better.

I keep thinking about my dating and guys and it is so small and little compared to life and death. BUT...then it makes you want to live life literally to the fullest. That you shouldn't hold anything back because you never know what will happen tomorrow. I mean I saw my family at beginning of May...and you would have never in a million years think that this would happen two months later...It just puts in perspective my life and what to do with it.

My dad brought her to Mexico to try and give her all natural remedy's while at the same time they are fighting the cancer in chemical terms as well. She is doing radiation and chemo...and all natural...and eating a diet that should be all organic. Makes you wonder if its working at all...maybe it will...but what if its all having a negative reaction because she is taking way to much. I know I am being my usual paranoid self. BUT, I am sitting here watching her sleep...and I am not sure what to do with myself except to write about this somewhere...anywhere. I don't want to burden friends by talking about something that might be a Debbie downer moment. SO I am burdening this blog...and getting it off my chest finally since I heard about it 6 weeks ago and cried for 2 hours straight.

I just hope it turns out OK...but I just don't know. The person I know is gone...will she be back? I don't know and I guess I don't care as long as she can make it through this. She has SUCH high spirits and positive thoughts. I think she is dealing with it better then anyone...she just keeps on smiling.

She has been told to eat all organics and natural foods...and you know if does make you wonder why isn't all of the world eating like this? She cant use a microwave...she isn't allowed to have any sugar because sugars makes the tumors feed off each other. I saw something in a book recently about how is it that when you go to any zoo...you see signs that say "Please do not feed animals your food...it may kill them." So human food might kill an ape has similar organs...but its OK for us to consume. Yea, it has put on perspective of how unhealthy we all are...and makes me want to eat more and more organic foods...and veggies...and fruits...less of the store bought box stuff. What am I consuming when I put in my mouth? What if we all did this diet...would cancer stop? I really do wonder how much of cancer is about the foods we put into out mouths...all the chemicals that we consume...all the pesticides we inhale...even water nowadays have something or other to make us drink more whatever...something to make us even "healthier" by putting in so called vitamins and minerals...and oh yea we made it from fruit too...so now u can get calcium and vitamin C too. but can you? Can you really? BUT can we make it stop? all of it?

AND then this makes me wonder about it all being a conspiracy. Hmmm...so all the food people are making money buy making things sooo god damn good that people cant but help to buy the food...even if it is poisoning us. And then this happens...and then medical companies and pharmaceuticals make money by giving us drugs that aren't really helping...but that are making money. All of it a money game. How the hell can they have gone this far to with computers and Internet...and with all the other things that have advanced in the last 25 years...and how the HELL can they not have a cure yet. I don't know and I am not saying its true...I just wonder if this isn't all a way to make money not to save the world. That its all a cycle...that is way to deep to make it stop.

Anyway...this is hard and I am not sure how to deal with it all at the moment... except do what I can do and be there when it is needed... I just wish I could be here more...or that I could just make it all stop.

BUT...

Im down today...it seems like I am off and on these days. I am trying to like me...and I do...

Like I like:
My hair...when its not frizzy
I like my passion for what I set my mind to I can do
I love what I do when i can do it
I love boys who compliment...wait this isn't a me thing....
I like ummmm...my height...Ive come to except that I can be cute...when I don't gain weight and for me it shows SO MUCH more then all others.
I like my family.
I like my friends...when I don't get so paranoid that they don't really like me...or that they are mad at me and I don't know if they really are or Im just imagining that they are.
I like that I know I am healthy
I like my eyes
I like the size of my boobs.
I've been told I have a great a s s
I love that I love stories and great movies
I love that I don't let the things other people let get to them get to me
I like that I am a genuinely good person
I like that I am learning to have more time for me...except when i feel like I have become more selfish then Ive ever been this last year. I have never ever broken plans...or just been selfish....every day of my life before this last year was about what everyone else wanted...and never me...if someone thought i would be a cute couple with someone I started to like him because I was told to. I was told to not like someone and I would stop...well externally I did. I was told to smile I did...shit I did...go to a club I did...drink I did...I dont know...I feel like I have been a puppet and finally I am letting the strings go....finally becoming more alive. BUT...

See I always have a but...as in just that list...how many had a but or a when? Exactly...I do know I need to love me before anyone else does. I do love that I can browse all day and just let the sun soak into my pores and the treasures into my hands...but I dont know...I do love me...I guess I just wish someone else would too. I want someone to see what I see when I look at myself everday...I have been trying to look at myself and appreciate the little things on my face and bosy and stop looking at my flaws. I do..I do...

BUT then I see pictures of myself...and what is good there...and as everyone says...a pic is worth a thousand words...and emotions too. So...I used all the bad ones and printed them on the color printer in all these different size...and then laminated them and then proceeded to post them all over my life. In my car...two different places...on the refrigerator ...in my wallet ...on my key chain...on my desk...

So people think this kind of a bad idea...but it kind of works...it makes me stop and question what I am doing...where I am going with who I am. It makes me look at my 4th chin and see that (not the good things like the 30 pounds I have lost this year) ...and not want to eat something I shouldn't...or if I do I only eat a small portion. Or by having it my car...while doing errands I wont be tempted by my emotions or my thought...my pic will make me stop and hopefully think before doing. It also makes me smile from time to time...and I do see all the things I mentioned above...I just got to get to a point where I am being way more positive then i am now...