Can we make it stop?

My step mom is sick...she has cancer...brain and lungs. She had brain surgery 5 weeks ago where they removed 3 golf size tumors...but they have found 4 more small ones. She is different...she is usually the person that never stops talking...she is the life of the party. But this trip she isn't like that. She is quiet and subdued...telling me things once and then again an hour later. She cant find the right words and mixes up things like month and days...she will say that the she dog sat for months when she really meant days. She will say years when she means months. This is just a little example of how things have changed. It scares the shit out of me...and makes me sad. I am dealing with it the best way I know how. But I wish I could fix it all...cause I hate to see my dad in the situation let alone Mary. I just wish I could flick my nose and let things be known and better.

I keep thinking about my dating and guys and it is so small and little compared to life and death. BUT...then it makes you want to live life literally to the fullest. That you shouldn't hold anything back because you never know what will happen tomorrow. I mean I saw my family at beginning of May...and you would have never in a million years think that this would happen two months later...It just puts in perspective my life and what to do with it.

My dad brought her to Mexico to try and give her all natural remedy's while at the same time they are fighting the cancer in chemical terms as well. She is doing radiation and chemo...and all natural...and eating a diet that should be all organic. Makes you wonder if its working at all...maybe it will...but what if its all having a negative reaction because she is taking way to much. I know I am being my usual paranoid self. BUT, I am sitting here watching her sleep...and I am not sure what to do with myself except to write about this somewhere...anywhere. I don't want to burden friends by talking about something that might be a Debbie downer moment. SO I am burdening this blog...and getting it off my chest finally since I heard about it 6 weeks ago and cried for 2 hours straight.

I just hope it turns out OK...but I just don't know. The person I know is gone...will she be back? I don't know and I guess I don't care as long as she can make it through this. She has SUCH high spirits and positive thoughts. I think she is dealing with it better then anyone...she just keeps on smiling.

She has been told to eat all organics and natural foods...and you know if does make you wonder why isn't all of the world eating like this? She cant use a microwave...she isn't allowed to have any sugar because sugars makes the tumors feed off each other. I saw something in a book recently about how is it that when you go to any zoo...you see signs that say "Please do not feed animals your food...it may kill them." So human food might kill an ape has similar organs...but its OK for us to consume. Yea, it has put on perspective of how unhealthy we all are...and makes me want to eat more and more organic foods...and veggies...and fruits...less of the store bought box stuff. What am I consuming when I put in my mouth? What if we all did this diet...would cancer stop? I really do wonder how much of cancer is about the foods we put into out mouths...all the chemicals that we consume...all the pesticides we inhale...even water nowadays have something or other to make us drink more whatever...something to make us even "healthier" by putting in so called vitamins and minerals...and oh yea we made it from fruit too...so now u can get calcium and vitamin C too. but can you? Can you really? BUT can we make it stop? all of it?

AND then this makes me wonder about it all being a conspiracy. Hmmm...so all the food people are making money buy making things sooo god damn good that people cant but help to buy the food...even if it is poisoning us. And then this happens...and then medical companies and pharmaceuticals make money by giving us drugs that aren't really helping...but that are making money. All of it a money game. How the hell can they have gone this far to with computers and Internet...and with all the other things that have advanced in the last 25 years...and how the HELL can they not have a cure yet. I don't know and I am not saying its true...I just wonder if this isn't all a way to make money not to save the world. That its all a cycle...that is way to deep to make it stop.

Anyway...this is hard and I am not sure how to deal with it all at the moment... except do what I can do and be there when it is needed... I just wish I could be here more...or that I could just make it all stop.

BUT...

Im down today...it seems like I am off and on these days. I am trying to like me...and I do...

Like I like:
My hair...when its not frizzy
I like my passion for what I set my mind to I can do
I love what I do when i can do it
I love boys who compliment...wait this isn't a me thing....
I like ummmm...my height...Ive come to except that I can be cute...when I don't gain weight and for me it shows SO MUCH more then all others.
I like my family.
I like my friends...when I don't get so paranoid that they don't really like me...or that they are mad at me and I don't know if they really are or Im just imagining that they are.
I like that I know I am healthy
I like my eyes
I like the size of my boobs.
I've been told I have a great a s s
I love that I love stories and great movies
I love that I don't let the things other people let get to them get to me
I like that I am a genuinely good person
I like that I am learning to have more time for me...except when i feel like I have become more selfish then Ive ever been this last year. I have never ever broken plans...or just been selfish....every day of my life before this last year was about what everyone else wanted...and never me...if someone thought i would be a cute couple with someone I started to like him because I was told to. I was told to not like someone and I would stop...well externally I did. I was told to smile I did...shit I did...go to a club I did...drink I did...I dont know...I feel like I have been a puppet and finally I am letting the strings go....finally becoming more alive. BUT...

See I always have a but...as in just that list...how many had a but or a when? Exactly...I do know I need to love me before anyone else does. I do love that I can browse all day and just let the sun soak into my pores and the treasures into my hands...but I dont know...I do love me...I guess I just wish someone else would too. I want someone to see what I see when I look at myself everday...I have been trying to look at myself and appreciate the little things on my face and bosy and stop looking at my flaws. I do..I do...

BUT then I see pictures of myself...and what is good there...and as everyone says...a pic is worth a thousand words...and emotions too. So...I used all the bad ones and printed them on the color printer in all these different size...and then laminated them and then proceeded to post them all over my life. In my car...two different places...on the refrigerator ...in my wallet ...on my key chain...on my desk...

So people think this kind of a bad idea...but it kind of works...it makes me stop and question what I am doing...where I am going with who I am. It makes me look at my 4th chin and see that (not the good things like the 30 pounds I have lost this year) ...and not want to eat something I shouldn't...or if I do I only eat a small portion. Or by having it my car...while doing errands I wont be tempted by my emotions or my thought...my pic will make me stop and hopefully think before doing. It also makes me smile from time to time...and I do see all the things I mentioned above...I just got to get to a point where I am being way more positive then i am now...

No more WW meetings :(

I HAD TO CANCEL MY MEMBERSHIP TO WW...I JUST CANT GET TO MEETINGS...ITS TO HARD WORKING ALL THE TIME.

Oops caps...

Ive been working allot...and eating not so hot...but I got on the scales at the Y tonight and I had lost 1.8 more pounds...hey its not amazing but that's an average of .5 a week...so its better then gaining that.

Anyway...I'm off to bed...

Need sleep?

Today once again I ate almost two lunches...and a bagel for breakfast. I'm not sure why I am so hungry the last few days...I can go weeks without wanting food and then bam...i will go days and not have a moment that I'm NOT hungry. Then I wonder if its the commuting to work? or is it the different place of employment? Or maybe I just am over tired...even Weight Watchers says that sleep effects weight loss:

You walk into work, confused and dulled, excusing yourself to the colleagues you bump into with tales of all the sleep you didn't get last night. Sound familiar? Of course it does. In today's world of overwhelming responsibilities and lack of — what's that? Personal time? — sleep is often put on the back burner. And your body pays the price.

A night of no sleep (or even too little sleep), can leave you confused and exhausted all day. In this disoriented state, trying to face the already-difficult challenge of sticking to your diet hardly seems worth the energy.

When Your Body Screams "Sleep!"
Of course, if insomnia is a repeat occurrence for you, visit your doctor — it could be a sign of a number of ailments, including depression. But the occasional night of not enough requires some attention on your part, too.

"Lack of sleep is a stress on the body," says Karen Miller-Kovach, Weight Watchers' chief scientist. "When you don't get enough sleep, your body's in an after-stress reaction mode, and you go to eat." And this is the worst part: "You tend not to make good choices because your body is reacting to the stress with something called disinhibition."

In other words, you're tired, so you lose the motivation and desire that, under well-rested conditions, you usually have to make good choices. "Your body sets itself up in sleep deprivation mode," continues Miller-Kovach, "psychologically and behaviorally, it's a very vulnerable time."

And that's not even counting the physiological response. When you don't get enough sleep, your body reacts in a "fight or flight" way. There's a release of sugar as fuel so your body can run away from this terrible thing that's happening to it. That sugar is then converted into fat. Research also suggests that even temporary sleep deprivation can affect the body's ability to break down carbohydrates.

Plus, a lack of rest may destroy your resolve to fit some exercise into your lunch hour — those extra minutes of exercise that keep you on the road to successful weight loss. Well-rested equals more energized. Lack of sleep? A surefire precursor to scoffing at the idea of an invigorating power walk with your buddies after work.

Who the Fuck cares?

Ive been off all weekend and yesterday-today. I just wasn't in the mood to watch what I ate...I mean don't get me wrong I have been...but def not as good as the last few weeks. I was a little down this weekend and I am not sure if that is why I just didn't care...Life gets in the way sometimes...and you are like fuck it...who cares if I have a cookie...is someone going to get sick because of it? Is it going to make me that much fatter then I am right now? That's is what always gets to me. Its not that I am an emotional eater...cause I don't necessarily eat more then I should...its just that I eat what I shouldn't because who the fuck cares...

work has been hard too...food is always around. In and around the kitchen is something to tempt me. Monday and Friday we have bagels and muffins...I mean come on...and then once - twice a week there are left over food to be eaten...like Spaghetti and cookies...and what about the Rocky Road Ice cream waiting for me to taste its rich cold softness...especially with the whip cream and rainbow sprinkles on top.

So, I am trying and working my ass off to keep it on track...when I eat to much during the day...I just eat veggies for dinner...

To sad to eat...

Today was a hard day for me...I found out my aunt/step mom however u want to put it is sick. Not sure at them moment what this might be...but she has 3 golf size tumors on the brain and 2 tumors in her lungs. Test results will be in tomorrow to see what the result will be. Its hard for me..this is the time when food comforts me...for better or worse...it does. So I did allow myself to half a cup of Rockey Road with whip cream on top...not to many points...but it was nice and tasty.

I then didn't get a chance to work out...but I didn't eat dinner either. I was to upset. Its weird I got into a little tiff with my roommate and came upstairs and layed on the bed and balled my eyes out. I cried for both Mary's...for life being so fucked up...cried because once I'm happy with something...something else happens to say nope not yet...u need more to cry about...

How can someone so young get so sick...how is that possible...look at the lives they will never have...the weddings and graduations they will miss out on. I think about all the times I bitched about her...not that they weren't warranted...and was even asked by someone if I was sad cause did I like her? What an awful thing to ask...I love her. Its funny because at her sons wedding last month I realized that she had become a part of me. I wanted to be there for her...as much as she looked for me. I guess in some ways I might be the daughter she never had...even though she isn't the best friend my mom is...she is someone who I love and is in my life...even when I'm mad or annoyed...I still love that person. Its weird...what can I say? she is a part of my life and hope to god tomorrow will bring better news then today so she can stay in my life just a little bit longer.

Pot Luck

So I don't know how bad I did today...I didn't eat tons...not by a long shot...but i didn't do great either. There was all this food...more then any buffet...cheese and grease...steak and potatoes...pasta and oil...and then the cookies and cakes...the chocolate and ice cream. So you see it was temptation after temptation...I didn't do to bad...I did do lots of control and portion control...but then came the desserts. That kills me every time...I did OK...but then throughout the day a piece here and a piece there...so I think I went over my points...BUT I didn't really eat much for dinner...I ate a spinach salad...which was 0 points...so maybe I did OK...and I did walk about 1.5 miles.

Hmmm....life on a diet...it sure can be a challenge at times...it is like banking...is this worth that amount? Then what will be left over...what if I go broke and bounce or gain in this case.

New Job...New Temptations

I started a new job today...and with that new temptations. Today wasn't bad...except I forgot to eat this morning and had to stop at the DD in the T station for a quick Chocolate Glazed Donut. So...that was that. And then lunch was sushi which was good for me. BUT tomorrow, we--well they are having Pot Luck to celebrate mothers day...I'm not sure I am invited cause I am not bringing something...but I didn't know about it until today. Its going to be tempting with all these moms favorites...which mean fattening and calorie galore...YIKES

Pounds Ive lost this year

15 pounds Chubby house cat
18 pounds 24-can case of soda
20 pounds Two–year-old child
23 pounds Average cocker spaniel
25 pounds Extra large bag of dog food

I guess I can see

I have been dieting my whole life. I go down afew sizes and then before I know it Im up 3...down 5 and up 8...it has gone and on like this for years...

At Portfolio Center I think I gained 35 pounds...at 27 I had my freshman 15...or 35. I was pretty unhealthy when I moved here last March. For the last 2 years I had been eating buritto 6 times a week, chik'fil'a 2-3 times, Quizno's 5 times, Subway 5 times a week...so as you can see I at out every meal...and then those 2:00AM drives to Hess for a cookie and coffee run.

I moved here and became healthy...eating better...joining a gym...drinking water again...so in the end of the day...well year I only lost about 25 pounds. But here are some pics...maybe I have lost some...I guess I can see the changes. Right?

Last August:



Last January:


Then this weekend:

Didnt over indulge

I started dieting a week ago today...I weighed in the first time this round 2 weeks ago...and it took a full week to get back on track...get used to counting...and measuring...and planning.

Last Monday I stuck with it...I measured and did my diary on WW.com. You know I can honestly say this might work for me this time...this WW plan of mine. I hated writing things down before...but this time...there is WW.com, which has an online journal. Its amazing...I love being able to write all my foods down. Without fail...if it’s in my mouth and then I go to my computer to design I have to put it into my journal.

I did get weighed in on Friday...from Monday to Friday I lost 3.4 pounds and worked out 3 of the 4 days... I was happy...

This weekend I did good too...besides yesterday I ate more points then I should have...but I went into my allowance of points...I didn’t eat a whole cake or anything...just had some wings and some beer which put me over the edge...but with the wings:

I counted them out...well after I ate them I put them on my plate instead of the bowl so I knew exactly what I ate...and how much I drank. Even though I went over my points I was proud of my day...that I was careful and watchful and didn’t over indulge...